SO LONG, LONDON

Last month, my cousins came over and I had ten or so lovely days with them. They met Garrett, who was my partner at the time. We told them Garrett wants to be a therapist, and my cousins told me afterward that they thought he'd be a well-fitting therapist, because he has a calming demeanor. I thought so too, even when we were fighting and my senses were heightened, he always made me feel so safe and secure, and I would eventually tell him my thoughts and feelings, and realise that I was going to be okay. Unfortunately, Garrett broke up with me several days ago. He said he wasn't exactly ready for a serious relationship, especially finances-wise. I would just like to state for the record that he was 29 this year, so I tried my best to date an adult man this time. As far as I was concerned, he was financially stable enough for me, and he was also possibly my favorite person I've dated so far. We also got prescribed by our respective physicians, the exact same dose of antidepressant to deal with our depression, within a span of two weeks of each other, so I felt like in some ways, we understood each other very well, without trying very hard. However, I must concede that both of us haven't been in the best mental headspaces this year, so perhaps he was right to break up. I don't know, I've always felt that you heal better with support and the love of a partner, but different strokes for different folks. I like and love him, and was able to really foresee a long-term future with him. He also said perhaps one day, if we're both ready, we might work better with each other. I don't know if he was just saying that to ease the pain of the breakup, but he doesn't seem to be the type to say such things, he's usually quite direct and honest. So. I don't know. I'm exhausted. People my age have gotten married, had kids, gotten divorced, and here I still am. Anyway, this was possibly the most "adult" relationship I've had, in that I think both Garrett and I were rather mature adults during most of the relationship, so I will miss it, and I'll miss him a lot. I want to sleep for three days. 

GNAWING AT THE IRON BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE

Day 134: When was the last time you threw a party?
I've never thrown an actual party, I don't think.

Day 135: What is your favorite kind of weather?
Sunny with a breeze.

Day 136: What time did you go to bed last night?
Midnight.

Day 137: Who challenges you?
Art, Warren, Sara, Garrett, Alessia. All in quite a variety of ways.

Day 138: What was the last photo you took? 
The aurora-filled skies on my birthday.

Day 139: Are you usually early, on time, or late for events?
I'm usually early or on time.

Day 140: What is on your to-do list this week? 
Finish up my already overdue school assignments.

Day 141: What was the last website you visited?
NYT Connections.

Day 142: If your life were a book, what would be the title?
The Ups and Downs of Sarah Mei Lyana (and the Up Trajectory ever since I met Alessia). Alessia most definitely did not write this.

Day 143: What is unique about this chapter of your life?
I'm taking antidepressants (escitalopram) for the first time in my life, due to the bleakness of seeing Gaza unfold.

Day 144: What do you wish you had done better today?
I was contented.

Day 145: What is the messiest room or area of your home?
Usually the kitchen, but only when we're cooking. We try to clean after each meal.

Day 146: What was the last thing you forced yourself to do?
Get out of bed.

Day 147: What do you miss most about being younger?
Knowing that I had more time in life, to fuck up and experiment with.

Day 148: What memory do you wish you could erase or rewrite?
I wish I could rewrite the formative/toddler ages of my life, so I wouldn't have to unlearn so much.

Day 149: What do you look forward to about growing older?
I look forward to building a family and travelling a little more.

Day 150: What term of endearment do you use most?
Garrett and I call each other bb for now.

Day 151: Are you working in the right job?
I'm not currently working a full-time job.

Day 152: What did you want to say today that you didn't?
Nothing, really.

Day 153: What made you smile today?
Garrett and I spending time together at home. 

Day 154: If you could read the future, would you?
Absolutely.

Day 155: Who is the star of your family?
When I'm there in Singapore, I can be pretty loud and the life of the party, but I think we all take turns.

Day 156: Who was the last person to knock on your door?
The only person who'd knock on my door is Alessia, but my door is barely ever closed.

Day 157: Whom do you most want to hang out with today?
Garrett.

Day 158: What superstitions do you have?
I think if you're toasting glasses before you drink, you have to look each other in the eye.

Day 159: What nickname do you like for yourself?
Sarah Mei is a pretty decent name and I don't think I need a nickname.

Day 160: I never want to be far from _______.
Garrett.

Day 161: What big decision have you made recently?

I decided to stay in Vancouver this winter and do a month-long trip in Singapore after I graduate.

Day 162: My life felt like it hadn't begun until _____.
I came to Canada.

Day 163: Fate or free will?
Definitely free will.

Day 164: From what are you trying to escape?
Capitalism.

Day 165: Which best describes your lifestyle: sneakers, dress shoes, or sandals?
Sneakers in winter, sandals in summer.

Day 166: What is the last gift you gave someone?
Possibly buying Jeremy a birthday meal, does that count?

Day 167: What puts you to sleep?
Nighttime.

Day 168: What foreign language sounds best to your ears?
I've always thought French sounded sexy.

Day 169: What worked in your favor today?
Nothing I can recall.

Day 170: Whom do you owe in a big way?
Cik Mas and Nyai.

Day 171: Whom or what do you wish you cared about more?
The rest of the world while Gaza is being exterminated.

Day 172: What are you looking forward to?
Graduating.

Day 173: What did you avoid doing today?
My very overdue schoolwork. 

Day 174: Something I need more of in my life is _______.
Discipline.

Day 175: Homemade food today or takeout?
Takeout.

Day 176: What favor did you do for someone recently?
I will be dogsitting for a family that's travelling to Europe, but I will be getting paid.

Day 177: How much time did you spend outside today?
Quite a fair bit of it. My cousins are here for a holiday and we explored downtown Van.

Day 178: What wallpaper do you have on your phone or computer screen?
Katara from Avatar: The Last Airbender.

Day 179: One person I can't figure out is ____.
Netanyahu.

Day 180: Whose respect have you earned?
Who even knows?

Day 181: Who makes you a better person?
Art, Warren, Alessia, Maggie, Garrett.

Day 182: What rituals make you happy?
Cooking, eating, taking a bath, swimming.

Day 183: What is the biggest change in your life since this time last year?
I am on antidepressants.

Day 184: What do you do when no one is watching?
Masturbate.

Day 185: Who is the funniest person you know?
Alessia, Lyssa.

Day 186: What makes you feel patriotic?
Nothing. I think patriotism is stupid.

Day 187: What made you laugh out loud today?
I don't recall.

Day 188: What is the last commitment you made?
To dogsit for three weeks.

Day 189: If you could be the world champion of something, what would it be?
I don't need to be a world champion, but I'd love to be an excellent chef. 

Day 190: Write a newspaper headline that describes your day.
Woman Spends Time With Adorable Dog.

Day 191: The person I'm most proud to be related to is ______.
Nyai. 

Day 192: I wish I had kept in touch with ______.
Oh, so many people. Han, Huda, Sha, Tiqs, Syafiqin. Even if we weren't best friends now, I wish I could check in on them.

Day 193: Whom do you keep meaning to make plans with?
Hannah.

Day 194: What plan on your social calendar do you wish you could cancel?
None.

Day 195: What did you do repeatedly today?
Apply sunscreen.

Day 196: Whom did you talk to the most today?
Garrett.

Day 197: What beautiful thing did you admire today?
The park where I take Kona (the dog) for a walk.

Day 198: Home is where the _____ is.
Vibrator.

Day 199: What do you notice first when you look in the mirror?
My lips. I tend to check for if they're chapped.

Day 200: Were you relaxed today or stressed out?
I was relaxed.

Day 201: Describe your day in one word.
Anxious.

Day 202: What do you wish you had more control over?
World politics.

Day 203: What do you predict will happen before the week is over?
I'm going home from the house where I'm dogsitting.

Day 204: What did you overhear today?
Nothing.

Day 205: What do you wish someone would say to you today and every day?
I love you.

Day 206: How satisfying was your day?
Not satisfying at all.

Day 207: What was the most awkward thing that happened today?
Nothing awkward happened today.

Day 208: What was the theme of your day?
Trying to partake in self-care. 

Day 209: What are you sensitive about right now?
My breakup with Garrett.

Day 210: What is your favorite quote or saying?
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." — Margaret Mead