WHENEVER YOU’RE READY

I watched a scene about a stillbirth today and it threw me off-balance, or even more off-balance if possible. In the span of ten minutes, my brain went through all the bad things that have happened in my life. Unstable parents, my father serially cheating, leading to the partner of someone he solicited sex from asking me to advise him, being strung along by someone who was cheating on his fiancée, having a miscarriage, my mother telling me the miscarriage was a blessing because it was premarital, even with my knowledge that I was premaritally conceived, the time a stranger followed me up the staircase landing and flashed his penis with no remorse at all, whilst I was shaking and trembling all the way home and when I reached home, then being guilted by my mother that I’d reached home so late. I never felt enough for my parents so I’ll never be enough for myself and no one will ever be enough for me. Today all my brain told me was, you don’t deserve happiness. If anyone in this family were to ever end their life, it would be me because I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in an afterlife, and I’m not scared of anything happening to me after death. I think I need antidepressants. I’m not very well in this moment. All I am is tired.