RANDOM-ACCESS MEMORY

It’s a mighty hot day in Singapore. It’s always mighty hot days in Singapore. I never used to be someone who enjoys the cold, but I truly look forward to the Vancouver/PNW climate. With climate change, the weather there shouldn’t be as cold, most of the time. Terrible for the world, quite alright for me. I’ve had and am having a busy week, haven’t had time to meditate or do anything for myself. The first dose of the vaccine went much better than expected, though, the syringe and the nurse were great, I barely felt anything. I’ve been working at both my jobs for the last four days, right after the jab. It was a little sore to move my arm, but otherwise, I look forward to getting the second one over and done with, and being fully vaccinated. At least, to whatever variant it’s resistant to, so far.

Last night, while falling asleep, I was feeling extremely nostalgic for times past. I thought about the times I fell in love in the US, on each coast. There was a time Joey drove us back from Malibu at night, and there were so many stars in the sky, and the song Yellow was playing in my head. I had my hand on his, while he was holding the clutch (it was a stick-shift racecar), I didn’t know if that was okay but I mean, he’s a very chill guy, I think most of the time he’d be like “okay I’m just gonna let this girl do whatever she wants” so I just tried my luck, hahahahahah. One time, we were in a store that sold motorbike/riding stuff, before we got coffee, and that was within the first 28 days of us even being aware of each other’s existence in the world. I went around, exploring the store, because it was different than what I was used to in Singapore, but I was always observing him, too. Whatever he picked up, there was a mental register in my head, noting what he liked, what interested him, and what didn’t. 

Two thousand eight hundred miles away, two years later, I observed Ben playing video games with his housemate. I watched him cuddle with the cat, listened to him talk about his grandparents and his Kindle. I saw him in his kitchen, making food and telling me the things he could cook, the things he was learning to cook. He brought me to an open square, where skater boys were, well, skating, and I picked up on his political leanings, a year or so before I would lean into them myself. We played word games, and he thrashed me at them, before he eased off a bit so I wouldn’t feel too bad, insisting that he wasn’t doing so, and then assuring me that he was really good because he works with games (valid point, of course, but I know when people are smarter than I am). Every time someone mentions Central Park, I think of our first kiss there, on a bench, overlooking a frozen pond. Every time. 

I’ve been in love twice in my life, and I cling to them, because it is what I know. I don’t know what’s coming in future, I cannot tell how fast climate change will happen. I do not know the pressing urgency of rising sea levels, of sinking nations. I don’t know what lies in my immediate future, besides studying, and making friends with people a decade younger than I am, and doing well in my studies. I see myself going out into nature and getting dirty and happy and calm. I do not know when I will next fall in love, so sometimes I just think backwards and I smile and am content for what has been.