YUCCA VALLEY

Some days, I meditate and it helps. Other days, my subconscious wreaks havoc and all my thoughts run wild. It looks and sounds something like this. Breathe, sweat, grow, love. Shut the fuck up, all these mantras trying to placate me so I don’t join a community and organise to overthrow the government. What is the point of meditating? Thirty minutes later, I will be back to facing climate anxiety. Why am I so anxious about the climate? It is too late and it is happening and will happen. Why do I want to save the world? The icebergs are melting, sea levels are rising, and in a couple of decades there will be wars for freshwater resources. It is too late. What is so important about humanity that it has to be saved? We’ve lived through our prime, we’ve moved from caves and rubbing rocks together to make fire, to launching rockets to outerspace, and staying in outerspace. Maybe all the men on Tinder are right, we’re here for a good time, not a long time. Maybe one day when this planet has gone through its wars and natural disasters and cooled down after hundreds of years and productivity is written off as a sin, humans will repopulate themselves and rebuild civilisation. What is so important about human beings that we have to be saved? We’ve caused the extinction of thousands of species in our lifetime, why should we be any different from those species of wildlife? How narcissistic to think we are any special. What does Joey think of this? What the fuck does it matter what Joey thinks of this? How is Ben facing this, is he still smoking lots of weed? What the fuck does it matter how Ben is dealing with this? What does Lucas think of this, what would he feel about the fact that I grow ever more radicalised, every single day since I’ve seen him? Would he be proud of me? What the fuck does it matter what Lucas feels about me? What the fuck does anything matter? We are all going to die. Some days, my Calm meditation sessions give me energy to face an increasingly despondent world, and some days I want to punch the app (yes that’s right I want to punch the damn icon on my phone) for lying to me because as a singular human being, no amount of calming my thoughts is going to contribute to the betterment of society. What if, instead of monetary currency, we change currency to the offset of carbon credits? Every time you make a move that’s good for the environment or has as little carbon impact as you can, you get credit for... whatever, rent, perhaps? The less you work, the less impact you have on the environment, and the more credit you get to spend on your livelihood. You get a roof over your head, seeds to plant and food to eat. How’s that? I read somewhere, or someone told me, that cryptocurrency is terrible for the environment. All bankers would incur an immediate debt, just for being bankers. Let’s flip the world on its goddamn head. So much for not caring, I’m still thinking about how to bring about change. What we need is a complete overturn of values. Singapore is experiencing a rise in cases and there is speculation of another impending lockdown. I will be able to earn and save less in case that happens, so you can find me under my bed, crying and trying not to die. I don’t seem to be here for a good time nor a long time.