HERE’S TO THE ONES WHO DREAM

Yesterday, everyone at work was sympathetic because they all knew I’d broken up. At first, one of them, Jing, didn’t know, and she thought my swollen eyes were a result of allergy. Yeah, I’m allergic to breakups, for sure. Jing is hilarious, there’s a running joke that she’s the store manager so she said I could pass off all my guests to her and chill for the day, because of my breakup. I have grown to love everyone in my team. They suggested that I go for more spin classes, because you get endorphins from the workout, and it’s held in the dark with lots of flashing lights, so that’s as close as you can get to clubbing in these COVID days. Sarah is holding a Armin van Buuren x Gareth Emery spin class next week, which would have been perfect, but it’s popular and I’ll be waitlisted. It would have been appropriate, Lucas used to tease me about doing white girl tingz, like going for spin classes, and I indulged him, because it’s totally warranted, I think I do some more white people tingz than he does. Except for stocks and bitcoin, he definitely has that white people money more than I do. Now I can go for all the spin classes. This week I’m going climbing with Becs. We’re going bouldering, which is done without harnesses, so please goddamn pray I don’t fall and hurt my spinal disc like my namesake Sarah did. I do not want to miss my flight due to hospitalisation. As I was saying, I’ve become so fond of my team. I love the little dynamics between each little group, I love Jaysen making inappropriate jokes with his double entendres and making me snort in front of strangers, I love it when we’re changing up visual merchandising and one person is figuring out the time signature to a Christmas song remix, I love opening boxes and hearing people say ridiculous silly things because it’s the end of the day, and we’re all delirious from having taught in the day, or gone for three different sweat sessions, or from just a daily battle with keeping depression at bay (or is that just me?). I broke up with Lucas a month before I leave, because I didn’t want to grieve the relationship while I’m by myself in Canada, and my lululemon team have been so, so essential at propping me up, as well as my friends from everywhere else. I only hope Lucas reaches out to his support system as well, it has been written in research that women deal with breakups better than men do, because women are allowed to talk about their sorrows with their siblings and friends and men generally aren’t. Here’s a reminder that gender restrictions are toxic for everyone, and I’m a little relieved that Lucas is a little more sensitive and sensible than many men I know. If you’re sad, let yourself be sad, and tell the people you know about it. Alright, I’m out.

YOUR EX-LOVER IS DEAD

try as he might, he’s unable to speak
he grabs her by the hair, he strokes her on the cheek
the bed is unmade, like everything is
dark little heaven at the top of the stairs

take me like that, ruin it all
then build it again by the light in the hall
he drops to his knees, says
“please, my love, please —
I’ll kill who you hate, take off that dress,
you won’t freeze”

one more night
that was a good one
one more night
the end should be a good one

he starts with her back ‘cos that’s what he sees
when she’s breaking his heart,
she still fucks like a tease

release to the sky
look him straight in the eye
and tell him that, now,
that you wish he would die

you’ll never touch him again
so get what you can
bleeding him empty just because he’s a man

so good when it ends
they’ll never be friends
one more night
that’s all they can spend

I did it. He said he knew something had been off since I stopped asking if he’d move to Canada with me. Of course I knew it was improbable, he has a good, well-paying stable job that he enjoys and it would be immeasurably selfish to ask him to move when I’m barely starting out in life. This evening, I packed all my clothes and things that had accumulated at his apartment, and I cried all the way in the cab home. The measure of how much of a good man he is, he called me the cab home, after I’d ended our relationship. Falling in love is easy, but staying in a relationship, it is so much hard work. Breakups are strange. You’ve met each other’s families and your sisters joke about your partner to you. You have to remove the emojis from their name in your phone. What do you do with all the happy posts of each other on social media? Do you archive them, delete them? He was such a good person, and he deserves so much more than what I could give him. When I was younger, I saw my parents split up in the most godawful, hurtful, poisonous way possible, and the one thing I took away from it was, if any of my romantic relationships end, I’d want to know that we can stay friends and that we care for each other, instead of turning against each other. Time to sleep it off. One day at a time, one thing at a time.

MOËT & CHANDON

As we live in the age of abundance, I was watching Netflix during my break at work. The show I’m currently binging is the ten-episode Emily In Paris. It’s a terribly idealistic show, as is the usual for things I watch. Emily is flirting with a (really cute) boy, he is introducing her to champagne and she downs it all in one. He tells her to go slow because you’re supposed to savor it. Later, they end up in bed (because obviously) and she in turn tells him to go slow, because you’re supposed to savor it. At this point of time, I squeal really loudly, warranting my friend Sarah to ask why I’m so excited, so I tell her. She has finished watching the whole show, and she loved it too. I think my colleagues think I’m a sex-crazed maniac, which let’s be real, is true. And it’s completely fine. Right???? So anyway. After the encounter, the really cute boy’s mother finds out that Emily has slept with him, and it’s revealed that he is seventeen years old!!!! Emily is mortified when his mother wants to speak with her in private, but it turns out the mother is asking if her son is a good lover. It seems to be important to her that her son is good in bed, because to be honest, it truly is important. The French are insane! 

At this point in life, Sarah has informed me she is rewatching the show because she’s highly entertained by how amused I am at it. Call me an influencer, y’allllll. Also, a couple minutes ago, we were talking about French men and Sarah reminded me of the French man that ruined all French men for me. I have told this to everyone as my Tinder nightmare story. So one time, years ago, I was on a Tinder hookup sprint, because fuck that, you only live once, right? So I went to the hotel room of this guy who was in Singapore to renew his visa from Bali or whatever, and his friend had just left the room. So we do the deed in, like I swear to God, ten minutes. I thought we’d hang out and watch TV, but he’s in and out (of me) and getting dressed for dinner. I was a little stunned, so I look at him, he looks at me, and he asks “what are you doing? Are you waiting for money?” and I burned up in my face. And that is the story of why French men are the literal worst!!!!!!!!! Why do men always think women want their money that they don’t even have???? I can’t roll my eyes back any further in my head. In what universe would I hook up with a person on Tinder for money? Do I look like I have the time? I literally have no time. I find people on Tinder for one thing, and men can’t even give me that one thing. Geez, men need to stop flattering themselves.

REMOVE BEFORE FLIGHT

On any given day, I start my morning thinking of Tina. We just FaceTimed for close to two hours. We chatted about the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, when I’m there next year, doing a Friendsgiving might be fun. I do not know if men discuss the tattoos of the people they bed, but I’m aware of some of the tattoos on some of the men’s bodies some of my best friends have been intimate with. It is thrilling, discussing the meanings or non-meanings of such things. Should I start an OnlyFans to fund my education for the next four years? The answer to that is a resounding no, but it’s always a question I can ask. 

There is a person at lululemon who’s also a pilot, she joined the team recently and I guess she joined because there aren’t a lot of flights happening at this time. She’s my age so I initially thought I wouldn’t really connect with her because her accomplishments seemingly tower over mine. However, she shared a vulnerable fact with me, making herself vulnerable, and I instantly liked her. She has a base check coming up soon, I think that’s when her piloting skills get reevaluated and she was on edge. I think it’s nice when people show their vulnerable sides, because that’s the most relatable part of being human. We all go through shit and we’re possibly the only beings capable of processing and making meaning of the shit we go through and connecting through it, so why would you let that go to waste?

HAPPY TRAIL

I’m looking at flights to Vancouver. I have an option to transit through either SFO or LAX. The layover in LAX is 17 hours, which is honestly pretty much an entire day but it’s also the cheaper option. I’m not sure if I’m gonna leave the airport at any rate, I can’t find information about whether I’ll have to quarantine, as a visitor from Singapore. It would be neat to be able to go to the beach and have an ice-cream. Or two. I love New York from the bottom of my heart, but LA has the sun, sand and sea, so y’all know I will always be a West Coast bb. I mean, whilst it hasn’t burned itself to death, at least.

I was talking to my colleagues in the past weeks, and two of them said at two different times, that my eyes lit up and I looked happy. I was reminded of the story of Cupid and Psyche, that Tina told me about when we were at The Met, looking at a statue of them. It’s basically Romeo and Juliet in deity form, which is ironic because well, it is. Tina told me this morning that she’d mail me my The North Face puffer coat and backpack when I get settled in to my apartment. Of all the instances of happenstance that have occurred in my life, getting to know Tina via an international Facebook group for women of color must have been the best. Men in New York, please do better so y’all deserve her.

I daresay no one would be able to say they’ve had a fantastic year this year, maybe except Jeff Bezos and all the pieces of shit who have capitalized off a global pandemic to earn staggering profits whilst watching poor people suffer. Therefore, I think it will not be surprising to hear me say, I want this goddamn year to goddamn end already. When a vaccine has been created and approved, may it be distributed smoothly and easily and thoroughly, with no fucking jagoffs trying to prioritize or maximize profit.

ONLY THE YOUNG

you did all that you could do 

the game was rigged, 

the ref got tricked 

the wrong ones think they're right 

you were outnumbered, this time 

but only the young 

only the young 

only the young can run 

can run, so run 

and run, and run 

so every day now 

you brace for the sound 

you’ve only heard on TV 

you go to class, scared 

wondering where 

the best hiding spot would be 

and the big bad man and his big bad clan 

their hands are stained with red 

oh how quickly, they forget 

they aren't gonna help us 

too busy helping themselves 

they aren't gonna change this 

we gotta do it ourselves 

they think that it's over 

but it's just begun

Taylor Swift has a song called Only The Young that she wrote after Donald Trump became the last president. I think the title is slightly ironic, because both candidates this time were geriatric white men who must be so out of touch with most of Gen Z’s requests for the world they’re gonna grow up in. Heck, I’m a millennial and I’m already out of touch with my sisters sometimes, a lot of the time.

I unravelled last night. I should have known something was up when I refused to schedule therapy. I’m not one to do the difficult thing, I push and shove until the difficult thing is done, but I don’t do it. The last time I faced a difficult decision, this was exactly what was said to me: “if it were me, I’d want to run away too” so I tried to run away, again. I’m 30 and I still don’t want to do the difficult things. Come on, Sarah, where is your character development?

I’m on the way to the office to submit my biometrics for my pending visa application. I also put in an email to the landlord of an apartment I saw on craigslist. The place looks quite alright in photos, so fingers crossed. I had a massively long night, but I’m glad I unravelled through the night, because I needed to. 

HEAVEN IS A PLACEWHERE NOTHING EVER HAPPENS

Sarah: Did u finish watching the dash and lily show? It started out a lil cringe but i straight bawled at the last ep ugh new york at christmas ❤️💔

Adam: Omg yr already done? We have three episodes left

Sarah: I have anxiety i have to binge my shows. Enjoy!!! I hope yall have some tears too hehehe

Adam: Did you agree the main girl is you

Sarah: Um idk, she was a girl in new york who loved books which is an experience i’ve had but there are a gazillion girls who are probably like that

Adam: Eh I thought it was uncanny
I bet Tina would agree

Sarah: But what about it was uncanny tho? Her first scene was literally her caroling and i can’t sing hahahaha

Adam: Like she’s also a super idealist and romantic sentimental girl

Sarah: Do you, not know... a lot of idealist romantic sentimental girls? I feel like if someone is an idealist then the other two come naturally with

Adam: Lol well I guess not really
Like I could totally see you in the club and slam poetry scenes

Sarah: Omg!!!! That is true

So I spent 3.5 hours on the way to and from work yesterday, just watching Dash and Lily. It's adapted from a book for young adults, I think. The first two episodes are a little bit cringe, but I did get into it by the end. It's basically about these two teenagers who have never met, but dare each other to do things through a notebook, first introduced in The Strand. The Strand is a popular bookstore in NYC, that's in need of saving, through these terrible times we live in. They finally meet properly in the final episode, back in the bookstore, and everything about it is perfect. 

Lily is an idealist who loves Christmas, and Dash is a cynical grinch who has walls up to guard himself. Eventually he has the bookstore set up especially for her, with her favorite pie from Gowanus, etc. It obviously reminded me of my own experience in New York. In that episode, when they meet, they don't know what to say, because they'd been communicating only via the book and telling each other things they hadn't told anyone else. Lily then just says, "sometimes words aren't enough", and kisses him. 

I know what this feels like, when you love books and words and even though there are a million ways to say I can't stop thinking about you, sometimes you just need to touch. I think the pandemic has been affecting everyone in very strange ways, I don't know if there's such a thing as hooking up safely, I don't know when the last time anyone got a hug was. I do know human touch is very important, so remember to hug the people you can meet.

Yesterday, at work, I was telling my friends that we’d finally sent the first black person to the International Space Station, and they didn’t know what the ISS was. When you’re thirty and your colleagues and friends are mostly in their teens or just past their teenage years, sometimes your cumulative knowledge can be more than theirs. I wonder if it will be the same when I’m back in school. Perhaps. It was strange explaining the ISS to them, I thought everyone knew we had astronauts that are based in space, but the idea was completely foreign to them.

RESILIENCE

The best way to get someone to watch something is by telling them the main character is them. I don’t have that much time ‘cos of work but you best believe I’m gonna try and binge this on the way to and from work. The show looks like it has got good ratings so far, and Adam says the main character is not completely out of whack, so that’s promising. Lololol.

Also, is true love in this day and age anything apart from sending each other memes every time you see a funny one? Who knows. I love memes. Memes r love, memes r life. Make my wedding a meme wedding.

BIG BEAR

Desire starts low in the body, in my body. It is a dull stretch, polished well around the edges, so you don’t feel it growing beyond its original boundaries. The longer you ignore it, the more feral it becomes. There are tiny bits that feed it, that slip under your radar, a system that you might have intentionally removed the battery from. Your best friend telling you she made a man cum four times in the last night. Watching your favorite porn star use your favorite vibrator on one woman, then another, and yet another. Watching a couple ride on the same bicycle, thinking of the many ways I could twist that with my words. Twiddling my thumbs and remembering the multitude of manners those two digits can form permutations of pleasure. I’m hungry, and not in my stomach. Sometimes, I’m anxious because I heave the weight of the world onto my shoulders, when literally no one has ever asked me to. Sometimes, life’s more fun when you push desire to its very edges, then give in to it. As Mary Oliver said, you only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves.

This morning, I saw my favorite Instagram account, Awards For Good Boys, feature a podcast by Asa Akira interviewing Owen Gray. The man himself says he has a following because there are legions of people who think he’s doing the most, by doing the least, of showing he cares for female pleasure. I realized that’s why I liked him, putting me in among many others. At first, I thought oh fuck, I don’t want to like him just because he’s shown the bare minimum of basic human decency, but then I realize, what choice do I have? There is simply no alternative, also underscoring why crowds of women flock to him. So, I shall allow the soft animal of my body to love what it loves.

SUNFLOWER SEEDS

In a turn of events, because of Samsung's stupidity, and also a lot of silliness on my part (don't ask, I'm exhausted), I am now using an iPhone XR. It was my sister's as she's switched to the new iPhone 12 Pro, and so now it's mine. I hope it lasts for the next four years of my school life, because I really do not want to buy a new phone. This means I have gone full circle and sending thotty photos on iMessage is a thing I can do, jeez. Today has felt like a very long day, it actually was going pretty well. It's felt like one of the longest days of my life. The only way I can describe it is when you've taken a long flight to another continent and the time difference has made your day longer and all your body wants to do is go to sleep, but the time dictates that you stay awake, because it's not! yet! night time! Yeah that's what this long day has absolutely felt like. I went shopping with my mother and sister, and my mom got me two winter coats, I suppose she felt obligated because she had bought the iPhone 12 for two of my sisters. No but I do recognize that it was very nice of my mom to set me up with a couple of winter outfits, I really do like both coats, and I can't wait to keep cozy in them. My head feels awful, the constant pressure of not having enough money is giving me a tension headache, I think. I need to drink more water. There is a food show on Netflix that I quite favor, it's called Somebody Feed Phil. There's an episode about Singapore in the latest season, it was filmed last December, pre-COVID. I really appreciated the episode, because it actually showcased the different ethnicities' cultures through our food. If there's one thing Singapore does absolutely, unambiguously, wholesomely right, it is the food. The episode also does talk about some of our manmade extravagant structures (the waterfall in our airport, srsly why does anyone need a waterfall in an airport), whilst highlighting that it's all taken a very expensive toll on the people at the bottom. If you've never been to Singapore, I think watching Somebody Feed Phil feature it is a good introduction. It's a little like Hong Kong, but simultaneously better and worse. 

NO ONE LEFT BEHIND

I met Dea today. I hadn't seen her for a couple of months. When we had just met today outside the Thai place we would eat at, I finally saw Tom, her boyfriend, via a videocall. He's cute. They met in uni in Australia but now they're doing long-distance because of COVID. Today Dea told me they'd had phone sex (of course you have to, in a long-distance stint) and I spat out my laughter. I swear I didn't ask. I suppose I just click better with other people who have one-track minds. I would like to say, masturbation is also a great reliever of stress, and my favorite is the Hitachi magic wand. It's great. A little heavy, but fucking ace otherwise. Dea was telling me about her plans of maybe bringing in a health shake into Singapore for me to introduce to people from lululemon, as most of them are instructors in gyms, but I don't know how much longer I have here. Today I finally had progress on my visa front. Speaking of gyms, I would really like to train my upper body, my arms are shite and I want to do pull-ups!!!! This morning, my lululemon friend Nate asked how I was, so I told him I wasn't doing too well, because I thought I was gonna get my period today, and he said "oh shit" and walked away???!?!!?! He's a 27-year-old man??? Men!!!!! Please do better?!?!? The past few days were a little rough, I was stressed out by my finances and Alex Trebek also died. He's the adorable host of Jeopardy whom I'd admired for years and who's taught and impressed me so much. However, I made it through my day, and I am quite happy today.

FATHER OF THE BRIDE

Dyou think I could learn the chords to this song? I also think she sings in a register that I could reach. It would be a useful party trick, or even just for the bedroom. I suppose I may as well get a holistic, wholesome education in the next few years. 

any time you want to, pick up the telephone
you know it ain't nothin'
drop a couple stacks on you
you want it? you can get it, my dear
five million dollar home, drive Bentleys I swear

I want your body, I need your body
long as you got me, you won't need nobody
you want it, I got it, go get it, I buy it
tell them other broke bros, be quiet

stacks on deck, Patrón on ice
we can pop bottles all night
baby, you can have whatever you like
said, whatever you like, yeah
late night sex, so wet so tight
gas up the jet for you tonight
baby, you can go wherever you like
said, wherever you like, yeah

shawty, you the hottest
love the way you drop it
brain so good, coulda swore
you went to college
hundred can't deposit,
vacations in the tropics
'cause everybody know
it ain't trickin' if ya got it

you ain't never ever gotta go in your wallet
long as I got rubber band
banks in my pocket
five, six rides with rims and a body kit
you ain't gotta downgrade
you can get what I get

my chick can have whatever she wants
go in any store, buy any bag she wants
I know you ain't never had a man like that
buy you anything your heart desires like that

I'm talkin' big boy rides and big boy ice
let me put this big boy in your life
thang so wet, it hit so right
put this big boy in your life

Also, the race has been called. The motherfuckkker has lost. Time to heal and rebuild everything he's damaged. Life is almost okay.

CASAMIGOS

I haven't scheduled a therapy session for weeks and my mind has been cluttered with election anxiety, so it's been a dump. It is a good day though, when you're woken up by your favorite people telling you Biden may have won the next term of presidency. It's not the most ideal situation but in a world like this, you have to take any wins you can get. Take them and revel in them. One thing at a time, one day at a time. I learned of some character development and it made me happy. I think when someone gets placed in a box but they defy those boundaries and have dimensions to their person you never knew about, it's such a nice surprise because people are so complex and dynamic. It reminds me of the sea, and you know water is my favorite element. In the very last episode of The Good Place, Chidi tries to cushion the idea of death to Eleanor.

He says, picture a wave in the ocean: you can see it, measure it, its height, the way that some light refracts when it passes through. It's there, and you can see it, and you know what it is, it's a wave. And then it crashes on the shore, and it's gone, but the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be for a little while. The wave returns to the ocean, where it came from, where it's supposed to be.

Some people have a calming effect on me, just like the sea, and I am glad for it. I'm a very anxious person so I don't know if I'm that person for anyone, but I do hope I have that effect. I don't live near the sea, so sometimes I go through turbulent times forgetting to return to nature, but it's there, the sea is always there, and I can always find it. I should really schedule some therapy.

SPOOPY SEASON

When I was at the Singapore concert of the 1989 world tour, and heard the version of Love Story on it, I knew it would always be my favorite rendition and that I wanted to look like Taylor in that outfit. My favorite holiday has been Halloween for almost a decade, and I hadn't gone as Taylor Swift, so I thought this would be my year. She technically plays the piano on the 1989 performance of Love Story, but I mean, I didn't know how to bring around a piano, so I settled for a guitar instead.

Tina has recently become single and she made a Spotify playlist called Soundtrack to Singledom. Half the songs are about sex and I love it. New Yorkers' music tastes really hit different. I recognize more than a few songs and artistes from stuff Adam used to listen to. When Tina was going on dates, she sent me some really thotty photos, of her in uhhhh, outfits (or lack thereof?) that I haven't worn for years, and I have to say, in the case of breakups, the people who really stand to win are the women's girl friends. If you don't send your nudes (or close-ish) to your best friends, do you even really trust them???? My dudes, if you've got it, flaunt it (with consent!!!!!!), is what I always say. It's open season, shoot your shot!!!!! If you and your best friend don't hype each other up like Tina and I do, what even is the point? Two days till Trump realizes he's stepping down from office, I hope!!!!!! I keep getting email updates from CUNY about the upcoming semester, am I supposed to have told them I chose another school? I never formally enrolled with them though, and I've already paid for my first year in BC, Canada.