REPERTOIRE

I really like Owen Gray. Obviously I don't mean his personality because I don't know who the man is but I think I have seen most of his performances. I'm very intrigued by the idea of Owen Gray as a person, I'm not sure why. I would like to know his entire life story, and how such a captivating persona came about. What is it about him that has contributed to the reddit shortlists of his videos? Is it his tattoos? Lots of performers have tattoos. His hair? In my opinion, unremarkable. His voice? Not distinct enough to be memorable either. Do men also dissect and reverse-engineer the reasons for why certain porn personas are their favorite? I do not know. I watched The Social Dilemma on Netflix last weekend, it is a very good documentary about social media and how technology can (and has) easily spiral to be used for malice, and a lot of them have a sort of curfew for themselves to set aside their devices before bedtime, but now what I'm thinking is, how would you watch porn????

I should really be applying for my visa soon, I will do so in the morning. I might be paralysed by anxiety and preoccupying myself with everything but my visa, honestly, Sarah Mei Lyana if you don't get your shit together you're going to be homeless when you arrive in Canada and you definitely don't want that. I was watching a popular K-drama series on Netflix and in the last episode, they travel around South Korea in an RV. I think that would be an amazing thing to do. When I graduate, I'll do a road trip around Canada in an RV. It would be a good way to reward myself. Look at me, planning my graduation trip when I have singlehandedly refused to apply for my student visa. Okay!!!!!! I will have a good night's rest and do it when I wake up. I promise.

THE OTHER L WORD

hello again

friend of a friend

I knew you well

Today, I provided character reference for a friend who's applying for a new job. I think the interviewer believed me, which is great, because I was just honest. I hope she gets it, it's a cool job and I'd wanna hear all about it. Last week, we rewatched Scott Pilgrim vs The World. I'd forgotten that it was set in Canada. I've heard the movie doesn't do justice to the comics (lbr no film adaptation ever, ever does, no exceptions) but I've never read them so I think the movie does just fine. I really like how the premise seems to be about Scott battling Ramona's seven evil exes, whilst he's actually a terrible person himself who cheated on Knives, and then the real arc is in him defeating his previous self. I just spoiled the movie but I have a feeling everyone has already seen it. I rewatch it once a year and I like being reminded that battles with other people usually just end up in battling yourself and in self-growth, yada yada yada, whatever you know the drill. While doing the character reference, I got reminded of my cousin who's a radiographer. Occasionally, she sends me a report to vet through, when she's applying for scholarships or whatever. My friend who also has a small business selling makeup sponges and tools asked me to write up on her and her business for the website. I like being good with words, because while I read and write about things, I get to learn a lot about the minute details of different industries and occupations. I also really like it that these people trust me to communicate messages that aren't necessarily easy to convey. It's not often that I have stretches of feeling comfortable in my own skin. 

DIAPHRAGM

One of the things I cannot figure out is this one time when I was getting drunk with a guy (lol just a guy, go figure) in Los Angeles, there was a female bartender who had a really nice conversation with me, she listened to me yapping on about my nonsense. I remember her telling me about her career aspirations and somehow getting either her number in my phone or giving her my number. The next morning, she checked in on me while I was probably nursing a hangover (I get drunk very easily and I don't like the taste of alcohol, hence why I don't really drink). Every time I look back on that, I wonder if the conversation had been organic and what she's doing with her life now, or whether she was just looking out for me as a fellow woman. Perhaps it was both. I think that night was the night I peed in the bushes somewhere, that was a ratchet ass night. Sometimes I grieve the loss of my silly younger self, but sometimes I marvel at the memories I have made, and am also proud of this stableish adult person I have become. Sometimes these happen at the same time. I only wish I'd had the foresight at the time to really drink it in, and soak up each moment, of myself walking around Thousand Oaks, this belatedly gangly teenager basking in the desert temperatures, not knowing how precious it all was. I'm much more present and conscious at thirty, to know exactly where I am and what I'm doing. It is 5:46am and the sun has not yet risen. It is therefore quite cool at night, and my sister is asleep next to me in bed. The silence is fleeting and momentary and I will enjoy this stillness while it lasts. Have a good week ahead, everyone.

LOW INTENSITY STEADY STATE

I think it's the Jewish new year so, Shana Tova. Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died. I truly hope Trump doesn't get to appoint someone new before he leaves office. The Super Mario franchise got re-released on Switch, and I saw Kid Icarus on it. I only just realized that's what Adam's Instagram handle is a pun of, I never knew there was a game called Kid Icarus. I think Adam has a girlfriend now, which is great for him. One time, I met a guy I used to date, I thought he wanted to be friends because I knew he had a girlfriend, and he kissed me full on the lips when we met. I was pretty appalled by that and I never spoke to him again. Women who cheat on other women knowingly are just terrible. These past two weeks, I've been a sort-of interim therapist for my friends and family members, because they've been caught in undesirable social situations, due to the fact that men are socialized to become scumbags. I feel a lot of feelings on behalf of my friends, because I'm personally invested in their well-being and I know the parties involved. This is why you cannot be a therapist for your friends or the people you know, you will burn out pretty easily. Anyway, I was talking about Super Mario. We watched a guy called Kosmic do a speedrun of the original Mario Bros and he completed it within five minutes. I don't quite understand the point of speedruns and the intensity of hitting subpixel precision but I do appreciate it's an art. I'm going to try my best not to spend the next few weekends playing Super Mario, because I've actually got a full plate of other things that matter. For example, I leave in three months but have yet to apply for my student visa. I also really do need to go back to a routine of some exercise, tonight I'll skip rope.

TROYE SIVAN

I was actually having a pretty good week last week. I had a games day with Reen, Chloe and Rebecca. We played Kingdomino, Codenames, Anomia, and Blokus. It reminded me a little of Ben, because he works (used to work? I dunno) in a games café, and we also played board games on one of our dates. The winter coat that Tina had ordered for me from The North Face had arrived at her place. I think my friends in Singapore are also worried about me getting seasonal depression in Canada, and Pearlyn initiated a conversation in which she wanted to buy me heat tech pants from Uniqlo. I met my cousins to celebrate one of their birthdays. I met Kylee for the first time, she grew up in Texas but is working here now, she's half-Filipinx and really reminded me of Tina and we had a really good dinner together. I had a therapy session, during which my therapist said I'd made a breakthrough, and I felt like I was good to reduce the frequency of my sessions for the sake of my school savings (I currently do one hour of therapy every fortnight). Last night, though, I was woken up by terrible news to someone dear to me, and I began having nightmares. Dhuha, my one (1) friend in Vancouver for now, had posted Instagram stories, saying the air and entire landscape had a yellow tint to them, due to the NorCal wildfires. I Googled it and apparently it's also affecting the air quality in the town of my university. I had applied for school in New York and got in, then changed my plans due to the political situation of the USA, and now this happens. I want to be either cryogenically frozen and woken up from my slumber when the Earth is at a sustainable period, or tbh I want to fuck it all and move to Greenland (?) or the Bahamas (???) or I don't know, anywhere that's not affected by pandemics and climate change. 

If this is how you've been feeling, you're not alone. Also, I've signed up for a mental health first aider course at work, as well as done some reading on it on my own. If you're struggling, you may approach me and I will try to help you. We can sit in this dumpster fire of a world together. It's not fine, and it's okay if you don't feel it's fine, because it's not.

OCCAM'S RAZOR

So I don't know if you've seen, but on one of my recent posts I received this comment:

Hello! I am one of those who read your blog and I have never responded because shy. But since you said you would like people to message you, here I am. It's very interesting to watch a malay girl with a common malay face pretend with all her might to be white! Don't so yaya la okay?

If you're not Singaporean, you may not know that yaya means pretentious, my friend Tami who's Indonesian asked me what it meant so I thought I'd just clarify. I read the comment and I was a little confused, so I created an Instagram story poll asking if I was yaya/pretentious. All the responses (95%) said I'm not, except for one. It was just a random account with no followers or whatever, and this account also began to leave strange sarcastic comments on my older Instagram posts, asking if I was "mixed, because the photo was gorgeous" or highlighting that I have a shallow personality. Seeing as the account only appeared after I'd created the poll in response to the comment, I'm going to do the obvious and think it's the same person who'd left the blog comment, that owns the Instagram account.

I think the nature of the comments was slightly strange, but I'll just give it the time of day since I'm already writing this. The commenter took offence that for a Malay person with a common Malay face, I pretend with all my might to be white. As far as I recall, I've never tried to look white, or not-Malay. I don't even speak with a "white accent", I think I have quite an obvious Malay accent and I don't try to mask it, so I really am not sure what they mean. I guess this person doesn't know me in real life, which is a huge relief, because I wouldn't want someone I personally know to think such things about me. Next, I actually think Malay people are attractive and have attractive features, so if I have a common Malay face, I'm going to take it as a compliment, thank you for that? If they meant that with a common Malay face, I'm actually unattractive, then there's something problematic in that. This person is either not Malay and is racist against Malays, or they are Malay and self-hating. Either way, I don't understand it. 

Also, this person created a fake Instagram account to comment anonymously on my older posts. That takes dedication and effort. I'm guessing that they haven't told their close friends or family members that they started the account to leave such comments. In that case, whatever I write about or however my behaviour, I'm going to go ahead and say that I'm at the very least living my truth with more volition and freedom than they are. I cannot imagine putting in so much energy into disliking someone that I'd have to carve out sessions to hate on them, away from my own social life. 

When I shared the comments on my Instagram, most of my friends said this was likely to be a teenager's work. If they are a teenager, then perhaps I'll let them grow out of it, like a toddler going through their Terrible Twos. However, if this person is older than a teenager and is closer to my age of thirty, then it's really high time someone told them that they are an unhappy person. I don't know how or why they are unhappy, but they are. Happy people don't put in energy into being mean and nasty to other people, and happy people would also know this method does not work. If they felt safe and secure about themselves, they would know that no matter what anyone else said, their own self-worth and what they think of themselves is what matters. All this to say, the person who commented does not feel safe and secure, and doesn't know what it means, to feel safe and secure about themselves as a person. 

I was going to let it slide after the Instagram comments, but today a comment popped up on a much older post, and this time it was attacking my intelligence as well as my... sexual worth? I'd blogged about Mochi falling and breaking her leg, two years ago, and the person went all the way back to comment on it. 

"I’m still lowkey pissed that she stupidly lost her balance and fell from the window ledge, if she did"

But you don't think you are high key stupid for not meshing your house before adopting a cat? You act like you are damn clever but your writing and your attitude shows you're just another immature moron dying to believe she's unique. No wonder all the men you've dated before humped and dumped you.

Now, I'm an immature moron dying to believe I'm unique. Also, that's why all the men I've dated before humped and dumped me. I'm not sure why the phrase of choice was "humped and dumped" me, as if it matters that I've had many sexual relations in my life. Is this person... a conservative? Is there something they think is inherently shameful about having sexual experiences? I don't know, but also weird of them to assume they know why I was dumped. I could ask all my exes now if that's really why, but somehow I think they would have nicer things to say about me than this person does.

Whatever the actual motivation is, I would like to say: please see a therapist. You may not be able to see or accept it now, but everything you say is more reflective of your issues than of mine. It's clear to everyone apart from you. I do not know who you are, and it can stay that way. I don't know why you've chosen to have a personal vendetta against me and revolved your feelings around my life. It does seem that no matter what actions I take, you will be bitter about it and I'm unable to provide a reason why. However, I think you should share your misgivings about me and your actions towards me with at least two loved ones whom you really trust, and ask for their advice. I have no way of verifying that you do, as I don't know your identity, but this is really not for me. Whether you go to therapy or seek help, it will not affect me. I'm living my life the way I want to, but your obsession with hating me is truly unhealthy, and I do think you will only be happy, when you've let go, and learned what your own issues are. I'm guessing your immediate reaction to this would be to lash out against my suggestion that you seek help, and perhaps your anonymous comments will proliferate. I actually strongly hope you give it time and think of yourself, and not of me, regarding this matter. In the long run, it would benefit you and your life much more if you paid attention to your own feelings and your own actions instead of mine. The attention you crave for yourself has to originate from you taking care of yourself, and not from provoking a person with mean words. I wish you well. This is the last comment I will be making a note of, because I prefer to expend my energy on things that serve me well. 

VACUUM

I had a rather eventful morning. We arrived at the store to find that a pipe had burst in the mall. The escalators and elevators weren't working, and our store was flooded. We were in crisis management mode, we watched as the electrician fiddled with the power boards, we used bowls to scoop out water from beneath the floorboards. Our floorboards are wooden, and I think they got quite waterlogged, because you could feel them being soggy and uneven when walking on them. This year has refused to let up on us. It was interesting to see that there are vacuum cleaners that suck up water, and they were used to dry up our store of the flood. They reminded me of the fact that I will soon have to vacuum-pack my clothes into my suitcases so as to fit in more things efficiently. Tonight is one of those nights I feel slightly anxious and panicky about Canada. What if they don't understand what I'm saying? What if it's too cold and I get depressed? What if my schoolmates are too young and into TikTok and I am left behind? Then I tell myself it's okay to feel scared of new environments, and also to be aware that I'm probably getting my period in two days. I'll feel depressed but then my body will say SikE! Lol I'm prepared for it.

BIG SUR

I've got an early morning for a shift tomorrow and I've got some ingredients prepared for special easy breezy toast, as well as an iced chai latte from CBTL in the fridge to help me wake up. It's been some pretty good few days. I love having stuff prepared for breakfast. Today I was looking through Spotify and it makes me so happy that, when I'm not listening to Taylor Swift, I have the option of listening to all sorts of music from everywhere, I can listen to playlists of white noise for studying, music that accompanies rain, sounds for sleep. You name it, and Spotify usually has it. I think we've progressed so rapidly that it's easy to forget how far we've come. I remember the days of using Kazaa or Limewire to download song by song in mp3s. Kids these days would not relate! It's so wild that the world is accessible now. All we have to do is push for that accessibility to reach everyone, after giving them basic necessities like housing, clean water, access to medicine, etc.

A couple of days ago, my sisters and I were watching Jeopardy because they released some new seasons on Netflix. Jeopardy is my favorite game show and I think I'm pretty good at it because I know a little bit of trivia from all sorts of backgrounds. I keep telling them that if I appeared on an episode of Jeopardy, winning just one game (average of $20,000 given away in an episode) would really help me out. My sisters said I could try out for any game show, not just Jeopardy, so they suggested this inane, silly and hilarious show The Floor Is Lava, where you literally try not to fall into lava while navigating a tricky room full of hazards. The prize for The Floor Is Lava is $10,000 per team though, and I said $10,000 isn't enough because if we split it among the three of us sisters (the other one wasn't watching with us), it would only be $3,500 each. Both of them then said they wouldn't want to split it equally, knowing that I'm in debt for school, and they said I could treat them to a nice meal. I was so touched by this, I went to sleep after shedding a few tears. It doesn't matter that the entire thing is hypothetical, my family is not rich and $10,000 would make a huge difference to my 24- and 17-year-old sisters. The fact that they offered to participate in an imaginary game show to help me out with my educational finances, I think is very sweet and mature of them, and I hadn't expected it from them. They're really cute, I can't believe they all used to be babies and now they're thinking of helping me out.

A lot to be grateful for, and I'm grateful for that.