PING PONG

I just got back from meeting my aunt and grandma at my aunt's house. My sister and cousin were also there. We were talking about why my mother and I had fallen out, and my aunt and grandma were trying to understand my point of view, which is that I'm atheist and therefore cannot see eye to eye with my mother when she tries to advise me to be a better Muslim, and the fact that we make each other unhappy when we live in the same house. My mother has tried via texts to persuade me to come home, saying she loves me and misses me, but I know the underlying reason is she doesn't like the fact that I'm living with Lucas while we are unmarried. She even said she knows that I'm happier now, but she still wants me to move back, which then begs the question: why does she want me to move back despite my experiencing more happiness here and now? Do I not deserve to be happy? Despite the fact that I explained many times why I'm an atheist and why I do not want to live under the same roof as my mom, believing that it provides the healthiest solution to both our mental health, my grandma and aunt tried to convince themselves that it was simply an issue of wrong timing, that I haven't received some sort of enlightened vision from "god", and not that I have made an informed decision not to believe, based on all the facts and reality I am able to grasp. Near the end of this discussion, my sister Lyssa, whom I'm actually very close to, disclosed that she's mad at me, because my mother has confided in her that she's sad that I'm not living in her home, and also that several of my relatives have also texted Lyssa, asking about me. This really upset me, for multiple reasons. I have suggested to my mom many times, that she should seek therapy to help with accepting change, yet she hasn't. She carries on praying and praying, seeking a solution that simply does not exist and will not exist. My mother has always engaged in parenthood in a traditional Eastern/Malay/Asian (?????) way, and so she has been used to emotionally manipulating us and guilting us. To her, she loves me and cares about my best interests, and that's why she wants me to live at home, and to listen and follow her ways. She doesn't think it is in my best interests to live on my own, and pursue my happiness the way I see fit, because it will not benefit me in the "afterlife". I have asked her: if you really love me, why would you not want me to continue living with Lucas when I am happy here? She did not reply. Next, my relatives who are texting Lyssa under some pretext of concern for me. Excuse me, I have my own phone number. I am open to conversation. My sister, however, is another matter. She is known to be the quieter one between the two of us, which is why when it comes to difficult conversations with our parents or any family members, you can hear my voice and my controversial opinions, and rarely hers. She never relayed to me that any of my relatives were asking her about me, and she likely would never have. If you have something to say about me, say it to me straight. If you are afraid to say it to me, whether for fear of hearing what I have to say in response, or for whatever reason, keep it to yourself, and don't say it. Don't say it to my sister, don't say it to my mother, don't say it to my grandma. My sister is trying to cope with her own life and readjusting to life back in school. She does not need anyone telling her any comments about me, and I do not appreciate your pretense of concern. If you want to meet me to convince me of your dying concerns, go ahead and make a date with me. I have to warn you though, I hold two jobs and work every single day to save for my education in New York, so my time is goddamn precious. If you have something to say, it better damn well be something good that I've never heard before. Otherwise, keep it to yourself. Lastly, I know that some people (in Singapore) probably think I don't care about my mother and therefore I'm not thinking about her and am not staying with her. I'm going to put it simply. Before I dyed my hair pink, my family had enjoyed a phase of peace and lack of commotion, and I always clown around at home and made everyone laugh. You can ask anyone. I have the personality of a joker, and I know it. I do care about my mother and I have cared for thirty years, but thirty years is long enough. I don't want to be a hypocrite any longer. I want to be an inspiration for the younger generation to know that, you know what, there comes a point of time where you have to stop blaming your parents for your failures and shortcomings, but along with that, you also have to stop living under fear of their reproach. You are your own person, and the only person's happiness you are and can be responsible for, is your own. If my mother chooses to make herself unhappy about me, that's up to her. That ball is in her court, and I'm no longer playing that game. I know I make myself happy and I make many people happy, but if someone chooses to be unhappy about me, I will step away, and let them reflect on their own choices.