I'M NOT A BAD PERSON

Yesterday, news broke that Sulli, a celebrity in the Korean pop industry, had ended her life, because she had received malicious comments from online trolls. She was outspoken about her feminism and it wasn't perceived well by the Korean community. They hated on her even for having her "free the nipple" beliefs. Beyond just the hate comments, the Korean idol industry has always been rife with strict routines, from their diets to their dating lives, and immense pressure and scrutiny into their work schedules, with little to no regard for each individual's mental or even physical health.

I found out last year that seeing celebrity suicides triggers a response in me. I saw my response at Anthony Bourdain and at Kate Spade's founder's death, and talked about it with one of my previous therapists. One of the things I learned from the community that practices therapy is when someone says "I want my life to end" they very rarely mean that they want life itself to end. Instead, they want life as they have known it to end. They don't want their own life, but if they could have another brain, another body, another sexual orientation, another life where they weren't being bullied or pressured by their community, they would want to live. People commit suicide when they don't see a way out of the lives they have somehow gotten into, and they can't get the help they need. It didn't help Sulli that Korean netizens spew vitriolic remarks on a daily basis. One of them even said she only did it for attention, despite the fact that Sulli is no longer around to receive any attention now that she's dead. Before she died, Sulli had a post where she said "I'm not a bad person."

Another thing I learnt from therapy is if you numb yourself from bad feelings, you will also numb yourself to the good. So I sat with my poorly feelings tonight. I thought about my mother, telling me that nothing I do ever makes her happy, that I have contributed nothing in my adulthood. I know she has tried to reframe her words but the fact is, why do people ever say such things? I understand moments of anger, like say you're waiting for your food at a restaurant and you tell them off for bringing the wrong order, I get that. At what point, though, does a person stop caring at all about another human life as to make a judgment call on their worth as a human being? How does a choice of hairstyle turn someone into a bad person? How much can I try to receive some validation for the self-worth I yearn for, only to have it knocked down again?

I don't know where I'm going with this. I just want to sleep.